So much has happened these past few weeks, and I'm going to attempt to share some of it with you:
I've been toying with the idea of going back to work this school year, and I randomly met a nice couple who work at a local high school. I felt a strange connection with them and this school right away, and I was super excited when the principal called me for an interview . . . mind you, all this happened while Jesse was still gone. I think the interview went well, and I got the warm fuzzies from the short amount of time I spent at the school talking with the principal. The job isn't available yet (and it's unclear when the person will actually resign) so now it's a waiting game . . . waiting for him/her to resign and waiting to find out if they want me to fill the position.
That excitement and joy quickly faded when I thought about finding a daycare for Callum : ( I don't have any issues with daycare (Callum went for about 6 months when we still lived in NC), but I was flooded with fear and anxiety about finding a good one with teachers I could trust. I have serious trust issues people!!! Like, there are only a handful of people ON. THIS. EARTH. that I would allow to watch Callum so you can imagine my dilemma with finding a daycare that will give me some peace of mind (have y'all watched the news lately?!?!?!).
Oh, and I forgot to mention that Callum is already registered for a part-time preschool that I have been looking forward to for months. He is signed up to go twice a week for 4 hours, and I totally had my mind wrapped around this new schedule. What should I do if they offer me the job??? Should I pull him out of the preschool in order to find a full-time daycare???
Jesse and I talked about a few options that would allow him to stay at the part-time preschool which made me feel a little better about the situation . . . that is until I got the back-to-school packet this week. I was so excited to fill out the paperwork and buy Callum's first little backpack, but then I looked at the date for his open house . . . Tuesday, September 8 at 9:00 AM . . . that's the first day of school. So if I went back to work I wouldn't be able to attend his open house or meet his teachers . . . or drop him off EVER . . . or pick him up EVER . . . or go to his Christmas party . . . I can feel my throat closing and the tears welling up in my eyes again!!!
That little envelope sent me on a downward spiral of anxiety (today's buzz word) and tears and guilt . . . always so much guilt. Mind you, I have not been offered a job, but I have played out every possible scenario in my head. It's one of the (possibly) toughest decisions of my life . . . I feel like I'm standing at a crossroads, and I honestly don't know which way to go.
I miss teaching so much. I am a teacher . . . like, it's who I am. I don't feel like a complete version of myself with that part still missing. I do not feel fulfilled with my life as a stay-at-home mom, but I just don't know if I can handle someone else seeing that smile on my baby's face when they pick him up from preschool. Like, my heart hurts just typing it.
Jesse and I talk about it daily, and he tries to be the voice of reason (to match my emotional outbursts). He's given me his blessing/support for whatever I decide, but I almost wish he was the kind of husband who demanded I go to work or stay at home with Callum . . . that way I didn't have to decide, and I could just blame him for any resulting unhappiness and guilt (that dirty little "g" word). Oh well, he's a loving, supportive husband, and I guess I'll keep him : )
Jesse got promoted! We bought a new mattress (our first together)! And the big consignment sales are just around the corner!!! I'm working on a post with all the details so stay tuned . . . surely a little consignment shopping will keep my mind off all this crazy mess!